After years of failure and incompetence from his underlings, Swaggy Y.H., the rapper formerly known as Yhwach, decides to start from scratch and fires his entire organization. His initial recruiting efforts proving fruitless when he realizes that no other Quincies exist, Swaggy makes a last-ditch effort and puts an ad out on Craigslist. Five individuals respond, but unfortunately for Swaggy, this band proves to be even more impossible to work with than the last. Regardless, he gifts them all a Schrift, and gives them a single directive: destroy the Hakuda Supreme Leader known as Chin.
- Swaggy Y.H.: founder and rap god, who possesses the epithet "A" - "The A'ight". He founded the group out of annoyance at the old one, but ended up with a worse bunch instead.
- Abraham J. Crustacean: fast food manager and noted money-grubber, he possesses the epithet "C" - "The Crustaceous". His greed is such that he sold the Quincy palace Silbern for a couple of dimes, resulting in the group having to hold their meetings at a local Wing Shack.
- The Limp Chopper: the personification of death himself, who was enslaved by a pair of children after losing a limbo competition. His epithet is "R" - "The Rastafarian". Despite his tremendous power, he is rarely able to use it, and often ends up having to perform menial chores for the rest of the group.
- Tax-Man: the spherical gaming icon himself. His epithet is "W" - "The WompWompWomp". He answered Swaggy's ad after intense pressure from his wife, who ordered him to stop fighting plumbers and anime characters and get a real job.
- Taka-dono: a student at the illustrious St. Pigeonations Academy. Hyperactive and eccentric, he is nonetheless appealing to human girls. His epithet is "O" - "The Okosan". When asked why he gave Taka-dono such a lazy epithet, Swaggy simply responded that he couldn't think of a better adjective; that Taka-dono was simply too bizarre for words.
- Ramento Albheda: a Japanese high school student and overall nuisance. He constantly rambles on about hope and stepping stones, and possesses a large degree of self-loathing. He expresses a willingness to be sacrificed for the sake of the group's hope, something the others find disturbing. He has almost supernatural luck, or as Swaggy puts it, "Ultimate Bullshit". His epithet is "T" - "The Trash".