A Very Bleached Christmas II: Kenny Claus Strikes Back
Toshiro Hitsugaya knew quite a few things. The Captain of the Gotei 13's 10th Division knew the fundamentals of being a Shinigami better than most. He knew to take paper over plastic. And he knew that December every year meant that he would have to play the elf for Soul Society's resident Santa Claus--otherwise known as Kenpachi Zaraki, 11th Division Captain. He was shorter than most other Shinigami, and his mastery over ice made him an easy sell for winter's flagship holiday.
He also knew that their Santa was 15 minutes late, and the crowd was getting antsy.
It wasn't just the usual crowd, either. Normally an assorted mix of Shinigami, Humans, Arrancar and Quincies showed up to sit on "Kenny Claus'" lap. But this year, odd wormholes had begun to open around the world, with individuals from other worlds stepping through.
And apparently a large number of them wanted a piece of Kenny Claus.
Now all that was needed was the man himself.
"Where's this jackass hiding?!", Hitsugaya griped. "Probably blowing his load watching Kill Bill again. Y'know, the usual." answered Rukia Kuchiki, the recently promoted 13th Division Captain who had also been roped into elf duty. "I thought he did that with Braveheart." "You're thinking of Sasakibe, may he rest in peace. Got a twinkle in his eye every time Mel Gibson punched somebody." "There's a thought that's gonna resurface in therapy at some point. Anyway, if he doesn't show up soon we're gonna have to resort to drastic--"
A crumpled mass suddenly emerged from the nearby escalator. It was Kenpachi, in full-on Santa wear, surrounded by bottles and bottles of Budweiser. All empty of course. "Look, it's Santa!", yelled one excited child. "Oh, shit.", said Hitsugaya. Kenpachi groggily got to his feet and stumbled over to a stuffed reindeer that was on display. Drawing his sword, he sloppily began attacking the reindeer, much to the horror of the crowd, and the annoyance of the elves. He tackled the remains of the reindeer, and attempted to destroy it further before Hitsugaya ran over and grabbed him. "Jesus Christ, man, can't you keep it together for two seconds?!" he yelled in frustration. He dragged the faux-Kringle over to the chair and plopped him in before Kenpachi shoved him away. "Keep yer stinkin' mitts offa me, ya dang dirty dwarf!" he groggily said. He sat up in the chair. "Alright, ya nerds, let's get this shitshow on the road." Rukia groaned. "There isn't a universe out there where this ends well."
First up, an orange-haired man and woman walked up. "Evening, Kenpachi!" said the man. "Oh. Ichigo and woman. Just who I wanted to see today." "I have a name, y'know." said the woman. "I stopped giving a shit ages ago, toots." answered Kenpachi. "Now what the anus do you guys want, or are you just here to make my extended existence more unbearable than it already is?" "Well, Mr. Personality," began Orihime, "Kazui really wanted to see Santa and for better or worse there's only one Santa in town." "Oh good, the anklebiter's here. I still have the stitches from the last time. Could ya make sure he asks for something this time instead of trying to tear out my soul?" "We can't make any promises."
"Now where is the little freak?" At that moment a small, orange-haired child appeared on Kenpachi's lap. "Hi, Santa." "Holy shitpaste, kid, ya scared the crap outta me! Alright, let's get this over with, waddya--" "Aren't you that eyepatch guy? The one my dad says eats out of a dumpster?" Ichigo looked flustered. "Er, that's not, I mean, I must've mispoke--" "He said you look through dumpsters for old weiners cuz that's basically what you have." Kenpachi looked stunned. "The fuck've you been teaching this kid, Kurosaki?!", he exclaimed. "Apparently too much!" answered Toshiro. "And you must be the white-haired guy with the big sword." "Um, yes I am--" "My mom says it's that way cuz you're overcompensating for something." "Hooooookay, I think we're done here." said Orihime nervously, grabbing Kazui.
"Oh, it's fine, I'm used to the height jokes by now." said Toshiro. "I don't think that's what she meant." retorted Kazui. "Okay I've had about enough of this little--" Kenpachi stood up, but Kazui suddenly materialized in front of him, grabbing his shoulder. He slapped Kenpachi a couple of times before unzipping his pants, and proceeded to urinate down the captain's throat, much to everyone's shock. After finishing the deed, he gave the captain one last punch, knocking him to the ground. He glared at Toshiro, giving the "I'm watching you" sign before walking off. Ichigo and Orihime, both turning bright shades of red, followed suit.
"Well I guess it can only go up from here." said a stunned Toshiro, no doubt lying to himself.
Kenpachi, his eye now blackened, slumped back into his seat. "Uggh, God...the hell have they been feeding that kid?" he said groggily. Rukia rose up from behind the chair. "If it's Orihime's cooking, God only knows what." "Where the hell were you during that whole mess?" asked Toshiro. Rukia presented her phone. "Saving this for prosperity. Because it was hilarious. And that child scares me." Kenpachi looked over as Kazui walked out of the mall. The child glared back at him as the theme from The Omen played. Kenpachi shuddered. "I can't possibly imagine why." he said.
"Alright, who's next?" Suddenly a dark-haired girl wearing purple robes and prayer beads hopped onto Kenpachi's lap. "Hi, Santa!" she exclaimed. "Were you just waiting for me to say that or something?" asked Kenpachi.
"HOLD IT!", someone yelled. A spiky-haired man in a blue suit walked up. "Maya, we're four places back in line, you can't just jump out like that!" "Oh, hush, Nick! I don't see a sign saying you can't!" "Sign, nothing, that's just common courtesy!" "Oh, for...just tell me what ya want so we can get this over with." said Kenpachi.
"OK, OK, before Nick starts giving me that grouchy look of his!" exclaimed Maya. "Too late." said a grouchy-looking Phoenix. "Soooooo let's see..." Maya began naming off several things, Phoenix giving a hearty "OBJECTION!" when she suggested Kenny Claus should find him a girlfriend. "Or boyfriend, if that's the way you swing, Nick." "Excuse me?!" "I mean, I see the way you look at Mr. Edgeworth, kinda has me thinking..." "Move on. Please. Like right now." said an increasingly annoyed Phoenix.
"...and a Collector's Edition of The Steel Samurai Seasons 3-6, and...oh, and a ladder!" "A...ladder?" asked Kenpachi. "Yeah, like that one!" Maya pointed at a nearby ladder. "You mean like a stepladder." said Kenpachi. "Oh please, no, don't--" began Phoenix. "Wow, even Santa's burdened by narrow-minded cultural assumptions!" interrupted Maya. "Narrow-minded? It's a stepladder. That's what it's called." said Kenpachi. "Mmmm, no I kinda see her point, Captain Santa. Maybe it would help you to expand your mind a bit." said Rukia. "What's there to expand, I'm calling it what it is, a freaking stepladder!" "Y'know I can kinda see where they're coming from with this..." added Toshiro, staring intently at the ladder. "What's wrong with all of you?! Lawyer dude, help me out here!" "I'm not touching this. This is the one thing I can't argue." answered Phoenix.
"OK, howzabout this. I give you the ste--the ladder, you leave me the hell alone about what it's called. Deal?" said Kenpachi. "Wowzers, really?! OK, you got it! Nick, grab the ladder!" "Why do I have to grab it?!" "JUST TAKE THE GODFORSAKEN LADDER!" yelled Kenny Claus. Phoenix begrudgingly grabbed the ladder. "Thank you Santa!" exclaimed Maya as they walked away. "You do know that ladder is mall property, right?" said Toshiro. "You see this face? This is my 'I don't give a rat's ass' face. Now bring up the next headache." answered Kenny Claus. Toshiro sighed.
"...but you really should keep your mind open." "BRING THE NEXT KID UP OR I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL RIP OUT YOUR SKULL AND USE IT AS A TOILET BOWL, YOU FUN-SIZED ASSCLOWN." yelled Kenpachi.
Next to walk up was a green-haired woman wearing a jacket styled after the Pokemon Virizion. "Hi, Santa!" she exclaimed. "Oh, it's you. Still wearing that jacket you forced me to buy." "Uh-huh~! Still as fluffy as it was 10 years ago~! Now I thought Ichigo was coming...?" "Oh, Nel-chan! Yeah, Ichigo already came by with Orihime and his mini-me." said Rukia. "Still got the taste of piss in my mouth to show for it." grumbled Kenpachi.
"So, the usual I assume?" asked Kenpachi. "Oh no, not me today~. This year it's ze boyfriend~." answered Nel. "Oh Christ, not that moron!" Kenpachi griped. Out of nowhere a man in a red-and-black costume appeared on Kenny Claus' lap. "Evening, Monsieur Jingleballs!" he exclaimed. "Wilson, how many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?" "Four-hundred and eighty-six, last I checked. And I'm still not listening!" Deadpool placed his arm around Kenpachi's shoulder and took a lewd position. "Lemme be straight with ya, patchy. I'm not asking for much, really I'm not..." "Somehow I doubt that." "...and I am a veeeeery busy man, so let's get this started." "Best thing I've heard all--" Deadpool pulled out a scroll that, when unfurled, extended itself to the point where it was still rolling once it exited the mall. "Fair warning, this isn't even counting what Nellie wants." Kenpachi looked flabbergasted. "I thought you said you weren't asking for anything!" "I did. Didn't say someone else wasn't going to ask for me~." replied Nel. "Ffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuck." griped Kenpachi.
"I'm assuming we're gonna get docked pay for how much he's swearing." said Toshiro. "Oh, I wouldn't say that. Least he's not the last guy they hired." said a voice. Standing behind the Captains was an older gentleman with gray hair and a moustache, as well as glasses. He was wearing a janitor's uniform with a nametag labeled "Stanley". "The pottymouth on that guy makes your friend there seem like a nun in comparison. Real monster, that guy was." Stanley scratched his head. "Now where did I put that blasted ladder..." He walked away. Toshiro looked puzzled. "What's the matter?" asked Rukia. "I dunno, but...I feel like I've seen that janitor somewhere before..." answered Toshiro. Meanwhile, Deadpool continued rattling off items on his list, ranging from Golden Girls Pop! figures, to a Green Lantern dartboard, to a DVD copy of Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas (for ironic viewing, of course). Kenpachi only stared off emptily.
Elsewhere, a man was watching a video on his phone. "Now here's a net, that I just found! When I say go, get ready to throw! GO! Throw it on him, not me!" "Hehe, that's some good shit right there." said the man. "Hey, big man..." Another man walked over to him. "The fuck is it? Can't you see my show's on?" "Sorry, boss-man. We just got word that the mall already hired a new Santa." "I'm sorry, what? They told me to take a couple days off, they didn't say jackshit about replacing me! Who the fuck did they replace me with?!" "This guy." The man looked at a photo of Kenpachi. "Ohhhh, well okay then. I see how it is. Guess we gotta do this now. Load up the wagons, boys." The man smirked.
"Time to go pay Santa a visit."
"I don't know how much longer I can put up with this shit." said Kenpachi. "I've been doing this crap for ten years now and every year it just gets worse. I'm about ready to just say 'fuck it' and become a monk." "Nnnnnot sure what that last part has to do with anything, but alright." said Rukia. She took Toshiro aside. "As grouchy as he's being, I can't help but feel sorry for him. He's gotten even nastier since Yachiru...well, y'know." she said. "Maybe this job wasn't such a good idea. Especially since a lot of these kids look to be roughly that age...is there anyone we could call?" added Toshiro. "Hmm, well, Ikkaku and Yumichika would be my first guesses, but they said they had some 'independent' 'movies' to watch. Can't really think of anyone else." "Doesn't he have a girlfriend?" "Well...the one-eyed girl with the pigtails I gueeeeess, but I'm afraid she might convince him to murder someone. Or strip naked. Or both." "At this rate, he'll probably do both those things on his own. Wouldn't hurt to try."
Kenpachi took a drink of water. "Blech. Still taste that piss. Kid needs to lay off the asparagus or whatever his mom shoves down his throat. Uggh, whatever, next." A girl in a pink coat with a hood over her head popped up in front of Kenpachi. "So do I have to tell you what I want or can I just leave it at sitting on your lap~?" She took off the hood, revealing long, blonde pigtails and a purple eyepatch over her left eye, shaped like Japanese kanji reading "Nui". "Nui." "Evening, handsome~!" "The hell are you doing back? I thought you were out of town taking away people's joy. Y'know, like every Christmas." "Weeeell, I was, but then I heard a certain guy was feeling down in the dumps so I rushed over~. Plus, there's only so many times you can make a crowd watch Old Fashioned before you start wanting to end existence as a whole."
"So, what's my big man's big problem this time~?" "Children are demons, ladders are stupid and we should probably get to work on sealing the entrance to Canada." "So same as last year, huh?" "I hate people and I don't want to put up with these morons anymore." "Well it sounds like someone has a case of the BAH HUMBUGS. Tell ya what, if you make it through today without stabbing anyone who doesn't totally deserve it, later we can..." Nui began whispering into Kenpachi's ear, at which point his face began to perk up. "WHO WANTS TO SEE SANTA NEXT?" he said profoundly. Nui smiled cutely. "Oh yes, the way to a man's heart is through dat booty." said Rukia. "And you know this how?" asked Toshiro. "I'll tell you when you're older."
Next appearing on Santa's lap was an orange-haired young man wearing a black collared shirt, green shorts and green shoes. The remixed version of the rival theme from Pokemon Red and Blue began playing. "Well bonjour, Santa!" he said. Standing in front of the chair was a brown-haired young man wearing a red cap, blue jeans and a red-and-white shirt with a stylized '96' on the front. On his shoulder was a yellow rodent--a Pikachu. "Name's Blue. And this chatterbox with the Pikachu is Red. Say hi to Santa, Red!" "......." "Ahhh, he's just a bit shy, ain't that right?" "Pikapi?" said Pikachu. "Boy, the conversations you must all have, amirite?" said Nui. "......."
"Okay, skippy, so waddya want?" asked Kenny Claus. "Well, Santa, it's not so much about me, per se, cuz I've already got so many awards and achievements under my belt. Hell, Red right here could tell you I beat him to everything before his slow butt showed up to spoil my fun." said Blue. "......?" responded Red. "So anywho, it's not about what I want, it's more about what Red here needs." "Speaking lessons?" "One of those speaking functions on his computer so he can talk to people, cuz he's so dirt-cheap he can't get one himself. Cuz if he had money to spend he could've evolved that Pikachu of his years ago." "......!" Pikachu responded my unleashing a Thunderbolt directed at Blue...only Blue quickly dodged out of the way, leaving Kenpachi to get shocked in his place. This left the Santa suit fried, yet Kenpachi's expression remained the same. "Not even gonna be upset over that?" asked Toshiro. "Nah." responded Kenpachi. Then his pants fell off, revealing heart-patterned boxer shorts. "Or that?" "Nope. Just one of those days where this might as well happen. Anyone got painkillers?" Red responded by pulling a bottle of pills out of his pocket. "...this happens frequently enough that you just have these handy, huh?" asked Kenpachi. "......"
Minutes later, Red and Blue began to leave. "Smell ya later, Santa!" said Blue. "Yeah, yeah." said Kenpachi. Suddenly, the lights dimmed in the mall. "The hell...?" asked Kenpachi. Everyone began looking around. ".....?" "Pika...?" Then, Santa Claus is Coming to Town began playing on the mall's intercom system. "So is it the pills talking, or do you guys hear that too?" asked Kenpachi. "It is most definitely not the pills." answered Toshiro. A few of the lights came back on, revealing an unsettling scene before them.
Ichigo, Orihime, Nel, Deadpool (unmasked and having clearly taken a beating), Phoenix and Maya were kneeling on the ground. Armed men stood behind them holding rifles. The sound of boots coming up the stairs could be heard. The figure appeared before Kenpachi. It was a tall man, with slicked back black hair, a greying beard, wearing a black leather jacket, dark jeans and boots. He wore a black glove on his right hand. He was holding a bat, much of it covered in barbed wire.
"Ya pissing your pants yet?" the man said with a smirk.
"What the hell is this?" asked Kenpachi. "Nuh-uh-uh. I'll be asking the questions here." said the man, still smirking. "And I'm gonna listen to some goofball with a bat why?" The man stopped for a brief moment, pondering. "Well...that is certainly a good question. Maybe cuz I got this?" He pulled a small glowing object out of his pocket. The Shinigami looked shocked. "The...the Hogyoku?!" said a startled Rukia. "I'm gonna give it to ya straight...I have no fucking clue what the fuck this thing is. But that pants-pissing look on your faces gives me the impression that it is something awesome. Really is crazy what you can find in this place if ya look hard enough. Sssssooooo...howzabout y'all give me a kneel? Pretty please?" The captains hesitantly did so. Nui puffed up her cheeks in frustration. "Oh, c'mon, let me at this dumbass--" she objected. "Just do what he says." said Kenpachi. "But--" "That thing is stupid powerful, just...just do it." Growling in frustration, and with her arms crossed, she did so. "Erp, except you, Patchy. You stay right there." said the man, and Kenpachi stayed seated.
The man motioned for his cronies to grab Red and Blue. "Sit 'em down next to the others. That rat moves, well...you know what to do." More men approached those kneeling by Kenpachi and moved them to where the others were. Once they had all been moved, the man approached Kenpachi. "Hey there, Santa. Or, wait, it's Kenpachi, right? I'm Negan. And I gotta say...I do not appreciate you taking a job that was already mine to begin with. That little suit and beard ya got going on? Yeah, mine. I didn't quit, and I'm sure as fucking fuck that I wasn't fired. So. From my understanding...you just waltzed in, put on a fat suit and beard, and took something that was mine." He was pointing his bat at Kenpachi threateningly. "Not cool. Not. Cool. You seriously have no fucking idea how not cool that shit is. Hell, look at how messed up that shit you're wearing is. You suck so bad at this that you're getting your ass kicked by a bunch of toddlers."
"So, then, Mr. Kenny Claus...let's get down to business." "To defeat the huns?" asked Phoenix. Negan turned around. "...Now I usually don't like people speaking out of tune...but that shit was funny...so I'll let it slide. Don't do it again." He turned back to Kenpachi. "Lemme show ya something, Patchy. This here...is Lucille. And she is awesome. Now I'm not too thrilled about you taking my job, so what I'm gonna do is...I'm gonna take Lucille here...and I'm gonna beat the everloving FUCK out of one of these people. Then, and only then, can I call it even. Now you might think this is a bit extreme, but lemme tell you something. I don't like looking like I don't got any balls. Someone tries to fuck me, I'm gonna fuck 'em right back. That's how I do things. Now all that's left is...who it's gonna be."
He walked over to the group. "Hey there, Berry Boy." He knelt before Ichigo. "Consider yourself lucky. I've got some...history in knocking the fuck out of redheads and Asians, and I don't want to look like I've got a type so..." He patted Ichigo on the head. "You get off easy." "Gee, thanks." grumbled Ichigo. He walked over to Red. "Aww, look at this little critter." He began petting Pikachu, who bore an angry expression. "Sheesh, pissy little rat. Just get his balls chopped off or somethin'?" "......" "You don't say much, do ya? Bet you're the type who'll keep that clap-trap shut even if I beat the fuck outta ya." Negan smirked and flicked the brim of Red's cap.
He walked over to Deadpool. "Jeezus. Didn't I kick your fucking skull in already? What's the matter? You were so full of jokes earlier. What was that you called me? 'Some Comedian-looking motherfucker'? Mr. Van Wilder over here making jokes. Ya got anything else for me, funny man?" "...The Aristocrats." answered Deadpool. "Heh. Think that's about enough of that..." He raised his bat, but before he could bring it down, Nel swiftly rose up and decked him, knocking him away a few feet. Negan's men raised their guns to her, and Negan himself pulled out the Hogyoku. "Not today, sweetheart. Now sit the fuck back down." Begrudgingly she did so. "Now see, that shit right there? That shit ain't gonna fly. Now I really don't like doing anything to a woman, so I think you just earned your boy-toy there an extra beating--"
"NOW YOU LISTEN HERE AND YOU LISTEN GOOD, YOU SHIT-EATING GREASE-WANNABE." shouted Kenpachi. Negan turned around, surprised.
"Let me get one thing straight: this job fucking sucks. Today alone I've had to drink piss, been electrocuted, sat through a 7-mile long list, and had to listen to a philosophical debate on ladders. Fucking. LADDERS. And in the past I've had my god-damned legs broken and been punched in the freaking face, over, and over, and OVER. I only took this freaking job to distract myself from every other miserable thing that's happened lately. This job freaking REEKS. And now I got your happy ass standing here saying that I took this shitshow of a job from you, and on top of that, saying your gonna whack somebody that has shit-all to do with it. On freaking Christmas. If it's not clear yet: I didn't take your job, and in fact, you should be thanking me for saving your ass from this. Now if you're gonna whack anybody, whack me, I fucking dare you, but do it away from everyone else, cuz the LAST thing they need is to see someone get their head smashed open on freaking CHRISTMAS." Negan was speechless. "He's got a point, you know."
Everyone looked around for the source of the voice. Red rose up...and began speaking. "I can see from here that it's a thankless job with any benefits being miniscule compared to the drawbacks. I've seen the punishment he's received firsthand. I can assure you that he saved you from having to take that punishment. But I can also understand your frustration in not being told you've been replaced. Your unsavory tactics here aside, I can't really say I blame you for being agitated. Really though, should we be behaving this way? It is Christmastime, after all. I think there's enough awful things going on in the world as is. Certainly don't need to soil the happiest time of the year with violence and anger."
Everyone sat around, speechless and pondering. Negan broke the silence. "Holy shitbiscuits, it talks!" "DUDE!", began Blue, "I've barely heard you say a word since the day I met you!" "Well given your fondness for smart-alecky comments, would I ever really have a need to speak around you unless my life depended on it?"
"Alright, Patchy, I'll cut you a deal." began Negan. "Since it is Christmas and all and I can really see that you didn't try to screw me out of a job on purpose, I'll let y'all off the hook. On one condition." "Figures." said Kenpachi. "I get your hat." said Negan. Kenpachi handed it over without question, with Negan putting it on immediately. "Now I really do apologize for all this shit. Guess I'm not the only one whose had a rough go of it. Tell ya what, howzabout you all come over to our digs and we can celebrate Christmas the right way?" "You mean with drugs?" "What else would I mean?" "Well what do you have in mind?" Blue raised his hand. "Well me and Red have like five-hundred bags of opium stashed in our trunk." "....." "...that is the single greatest fucking idea I've heard all month. Alright, you sorry shits, debauchery at my place!" "HOORAY!"
And so Kenny Claus and his pals all spent Christmas in a drug-fueled stupor, their escapades surely to become legends. Because really, isn't that what we all strive to achieve every Christmas?